Moxie here. Yesterday I got a question from a reader named Chloe. The question was short. It was simple. It was a total outrage.
Here’s the question (prepared to be outraged):
Does Moxie want a sister?
To Chloe, I ask this: Is the sun hot enough to bake a potato? Is an unshorn sheep soft? Is a golf ball covered with a thousand tiny craters?
The answers are YES, YES, AND YES, Chloe. Of course I want a sister because sisters are magnificent!
Sisters share their guacamole or else give you the entire bowl of guacamole because they know how much you love it. When sisters find slugs on the sidewalk, they slide them into a jar and bring them to you, making sure they don’t get dried out along the way. If someone happened to fling a bowl of soup at you, sisters would leap between you and the bowl to make sure that none of it got on your sweater, or more importantly, into your mouth.
Sisters are the source of all that is good in the universe. My life will never be complete until I have a sister. Bur the last time I asked my mom if I could have a sister, she gave me a funny look and hopped on a plane to Australia. She had been planning to go to Australia anyway, but my point remains.
Here is something you might not know.
In general, 62 percent of people have sisters. But among those who find it more difficult to tolerate flat soda than listen to flat singers, 82 percent have sisters. (Based on a survey of 106 people who find it more difficult to tolerate flat soda than to listen to flat singers and 389 people total.)
I think flat soda is the absolute worst, and I only sort of mind when people can’t carry a tune, and yet I DO NOT HAVE A SISTER. I’d say “what are the chances?” but I know full well. The chances are only 18 percent, and still the world the decided to inflict Milton upon me while denying me my sweet-smelling, obstacle-dodging, unicycle-riding sister of my dreams.
In closing, Chloe, hear this: if you happen to have an extra sister I could borrow, I will take her at this very moment and keep her for at least three weeks and maybe forever.
Please send her with a pie, if possible.